Episode 68: Eulogy
The narrator, our only source of continuity in the midst of narrative chaos, gives us a sneak peek into the Invid’s stronghold, Reflex Point, which is the same place that Scott Barnard has been so keen on taking his crew to. You know, eventually.
Speaking of Scott, he and the dirt bike roadies arrive in a military town where everyone is super happy because the Invid never come here. Seems… suspicious, but okay. Nice to know someone’s having a good time in the post-apocalyptic wasteland.
They decide to grab a drink, and Annie reminds us all of how creepy and inappropriate she is by hitting on the bartender. Let us not forget: she’s a kid. A kid with the sex drive of a cougar in a late night sitcom. Oh Annie, you distress me.
Everyone in the bar gets super excited because Colonel Jonathan Wolff is back.
Not only is he basically a green-haired Errol Flynn-moustached rocking shocking goddamned superhero but apparently he was active in Admiral Hunter’s fleet, then was sent home with his ‘Wolff pack’ to save the Earth.
Jonathan Wolff is so tough, he dulls chainsaws… when he shaves.
When Jonathan Wolff crosses the road, cars look both ways.
Jonathan Wolff likes his meat so rare he only eats unicorns.
You get the idea.
As a former junior member of the Wolff Pack back in the day, Scott happily adds his admiration to everyone else’s, but he’s slightly concerned at the cult that’s apparently grown up around Wolff to the point that no one is remotely worried about the Invid.
Scott suggests that they team up together to infiltrate Reflex Point, since that’s obviously the main goal of everyone on this planet. Wolffe is highly patronising but still recruits Scott to join his own team with its own much smaller-scale mission of regularly attacking the local protoculture farms. Scott gives way to his inner fanboy! Finally some serious business!
Rand wakes up to find a note pinned to Scott’s sleeping bag, promising to be back by evening. It is kind of adorable that Scott went all the way back to their camp to do this – more than ever, I feel for these kids living in a 21st century imaginary future that doesn’t involve texting. Why couldn’t you predict texting, 1980’s?
The raid against one of the Invid’s protoculture farms is a total bust, thanks to an unexpected forcefield, and Wolff heads home without any of his men as if, basically, that’s what he expected. He doesn’t even check they’re all dead, just gives up and gets drunk.
Rand and Rook, completely furious, turn up to demand Wolff tells them what happened to Scott. He shrugs, but agrees to escort Rand back to look for him, given that he has a mecha suit. Rook is super pissed off at being left out of it, yet again. Men are stupid.
Lancer meanwhile has made the most of the party spirit of the locals by performing as Yellow Dancer. As you do. Lunk and Annie have a great time watching the show. This has nothing to do with the plot, but it’s quite nice they get to have fun and I guess someone has to make sure Annie doesn’t get arrested for sexually harassing the men in uniform. (this is a legit concern)
Rand and Wolff get into Invid trouble and Rand is rescued by Rook who sweeps in on her bike white knight style. I do love Rook. When Rand sneaks back to check if Wolff also needs to be rescued (because dudes don’t leave dudes behind to die) he finds him trading protoculture with the Invid.
No wonder everyone feels so safe in his town! Wolff, like almost everyone else who doesn’t have a dirt bike, is a filthy collaborator.
Rand literally gets on his high horse (well, a boulder) and hurls sarcasm at Wolff the War Hero. Wolff tries to justify that he is protecting the town, but Rand throws all the dead soldiers back in his face, devastated that their hero is a fraud.
Wolff admits it – he’s sick of all the bloodshed and war and has been dealing with it by systematically getting his army killed in small groups.
Rook meanwhile has been doing all the genuine hero work – she rescues Scott and brings him back. Rand catches him up on Wolff being a dirty scumsucking traitor and Scott punches him for “lying”. Apparently he didn’t notice being this week’s sacrificial chicken. They are then attacked by Invid again, because it’s Tuesday.
Watching the feisty young ones battle with the aliens, Wolff becomes ashamed of his actions and finds his inner hero, just in time to sacrifice himself nobly.
He dies slowly in Scott’s arms, while reciting all the people who died on his watch, and how badly he failed them all. Scott, taking completely the wrong message from all this, hails Wolff as a genuine hero. No, Scott. Bad Scott.
As Scott, Rook and Rand stand about sombrely in contemplation of what has happened, Annie and the others who have obviously been having an awesome time in a completely different episode we didn’t get to watch, turn up to ‘rescue’ them. Hooray for cheerful endings to mildly depressing plotlines!
NEXT WEEK: Dinosaurs. I’m not even kidding.
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